This is What Asexual Looks Like Part 9: Pride 2021
Hi everyone!
I'm Yasmin Benoit (@theyasminbenoit), a British model, aromantic-asexuality activist, and the creator of the #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike campaign. The campaign began with the inception of this series, which I started in the hopes that I could use my platform — and Qwear's platform — to amplify the voices of other asexual people, our art, our businesses, our style, and show the diversity of our community. I wanted to give the agency back to the Ace community so that we could represent ourselves, and show that there is no asexual way to look or dress.
The #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike campaign has become a resource and a battle-cry for asexual visibility, inclusion, and empowerment.
This edition of the series is coming out during Pride Month, a time where we celebrate the progress we have made as a community, and fight for the change that still needs to happen. It's also a time to amplify the voices of the marginalized and the underrepresented and feel empowered in the identities our society teaches us to be ashamed of.
Unfortunately, it's also a time where the asexual community is sometimes excluded from queer spaces and our humanity is debated.
I hope that this article can help lots of Aces feel seen and appreciated. At the bottom you can find out how to be included in the next edition!
Happy Pride!
Cody
I wanted to start things off with Cody, aka the 'Ace Dad,' who you've probably spotted popping out on your social media this past year! Cody is a writer and educator based in Connecticut, who has a background in theatre and still works internationally as a playwright — including with Root & Branch Productions in the UK.
“Coming out as Ace was solving a puzzle that had tormented me for two decades.”
Now in his mid-40's, Cody came out as queer when he was 18 and as a sex-favorable, homoromantic asexual when he was 42, figuring it out thanks to Tumblr. "Coming out as Ace was solving a puzzle that had tormented me for two decades. I made sense to myself. Finally, I'm a version of myself that feels complete, and that's an awesome feeling." Since then, Cody has been making 'Ace Dad Advice,' videos on TikTok and YouTube. "There aren't a lot of visible Ace folks my age, and mentors and elders are important in queer communities. So, I tried to fill that gap with my video stuff. And people seem to dig it."
“I like going out in the world with visual reminders of the stuff I dig.”
"When it comes to clothes, I just wear stuff that makes me happy: Jeans, a pair of topsiders, a graphic tee (usually horror), and my denim jacket with my pin collection. I like going out in the world with visual reminders of the stuff I dig. The thing I take the most aesthetic pride in are my tattoos. My sleeve represents beating kidney cancer ten years ago. The heart rose tattoo on my left arm is surrounded by a Harvey Milk quote, "Hope will never be silent." I've got a Ray Bradbury quote on my left arm, too: "Write... so as not to be dead." All of my tattoos are a reminder to live your story out loud, make your struggle visible. Because it helps other people struggle less after you."
“I admire how young queer activists are demanding that queer justice respect the entire person, not just their queerness.”
Given the time of the year, I'm asking each of the participants in this article what makes them feel a sense of pride. "The activism of young queer people connects me to Pride these days. Not only are young queer activists doing outstanding work for the community, but they're also connecting queer activism to racial justice, economic justice, environmental justice... which is exactly how it should be. I admire how young queer activists are demanding that queer justice respect the entire person, not just their queerness. It's the best."
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PJ Âû
PJ Âû is an autistic/disabled actress, singer-songwriter, model and advocate from Seattle, Washington. Identifying as heteroromantic asexual, she's also married to another heteroromantic asexual. She caught my attention on Instagram a while ago, not simply for her support or for her modeling, but because I always love seeing thriving Ace couples!
Speaking of her own journey, PJ says, "I first suspected I was asexual when I was around 14, but didn't find the label until I was 17. I've identified as asexual ever since, which was now 7 years ago."
"I would describe my modeling and fashion style as sexy, yet classy.”
"I would describe my modeling and fashion style as sexy, yet classy. Even though I’m very comfortable in my skin, I don’t like to show too much of it. I let my modeling (poses) and my outfits speak for themselves. Literally. I also have selective mutism and found modeling to be much easier on my disabilities than acting. However, I still love everything that I do in the entertainment industry."
“I also have selective mutism and found modeling to be much easier on my disabilities than acting.”
"Every pride, I like to share my and my husband’s story to give other relationship-seeking Aces hope in finding a partner. And since my husband and I just got married a few months ago, I can confidently say that asexuality is NOT a phase. The other funny story is: my husband and I weren’t even looking for each other! Both of us are HUGE fans of Coldplay. Back in 2016, we both had Coldplay-themed Instagram accounts. We happened to be best friends for a few years before we even found out we were both asexual! When we did find out, well, it was the literal icing on the asexual cake. The rest is history."
"I’m absolutely proud to be asexual. To those of you that are looking for a relationship, there is hope! I thought I would never find my soulmate, yet here we are."
tri.
tri. is an asexual queer artist most known for their association with avant-garde artistic movement SHEAUXTIME, where he uses his creative work to promote inclusivity, authentic self-expression and provide asexual representation. tri. first recognized the nature of asexuality before being exposed to the identity, and had "no literal concept or likeness for it growing up."
“My style was nonexistent until I understood my identity as Ace and queer.”
“My style was nonexistent until I understood my identity as Ace and queer. Before, I could only access a very narrowed version of myself when it came to style and expression. Years of distorted theology and spiritual abuse kept me from seeing anything outside of being this “poster child of purity” that would otherwise be shamed for experimenting. Though I always had an eye for it, I could only admire the aesthetic and beauty of flamboyancy and authentic self-expression from afar. Fully embracing my Asexual identity helped me out of that, and gave me an incredibly fresh claim to what I've known to be my style for as long as I can remember."
“In my style, I see art that articulates a message and gives voice to an otherwise underrepresented truth.”
"Many Aces carry the weight of being misunderstood when it comes to their sexuality. With my style, I want to reverse the negative effects and trauma from that concept, inspiring positive validation for the misunderstood. In my style, I see art that articulates a message and gives voice to an otherwise underrepresented truth, giving others the comfort and space to express themselves in a way that is true to their spirit no matter the surrounding circumstance. Having been actively misunderstood my entire life, the nature of who I was never changed, even through adversity. No one's judgment or phobia ever dictated or permanently disrupted what I have always known to be true about myself. My style expresses that, extending it into strength.”
“I could not be more proud of my Aro/Ace community. The amount of love and acceptance I have received is unlike anything I have ever experienced.”
“I could not be more proud of my Aro/Ace community. The amount of love and acceptance I have received is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I am proud to be an advocate for such a beautiful group of people. It is the entirety of those within the Ace spectrum that inspires a strong sense of pride for being Asexual. The stories and parallels to my own life are validating in ways that regularly remind me how important representation is. During Pride Month, I am in celebration of all queer identities and sexualities for being true to themselves, opening doors for future generations to see their truth sooner rather than later. Our pride can be a light for someone else's. That is a light worth shinning, and being proud of.”
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Jayda Williams (aka Moose)
Jayda Williams (aka Moose) is a fellow Black-Caribbean Ace girl, originally from London in the UK, now living in Essex, finishing a Games Design degree, and working as a barista. She identifies as "demibisexual" and says that she started classing herself as demisexual during the second UK lockdown in November — "I haven’t been part of the asexual community for that long as well as the bisexual community." But that hasn't stopped her from wanting to use her voice for the BIPOC ace community, especially demisexuals. "I might as well take that risk for them because I want all of our voices to be heard."
"I knew I wasn’t normal when I was younger as I found it extremely hard to have celebrity crushes so I would have them by force to get people to be friends with me since I didn’t have any during primary school. I still find it very hard today. There is another reason why I classify myself as demisexual today but I feel like its not my place to say as it is a topic that no one is ready to talk about just yet but let’s just say it doesn’t make me sex repulsed as I am an ace who honestly still enjoys sex."
“I am an ace who honestly still enjoys sex.”
"Growing up in a small town that rarely had any POC, I used to get bullied a lot for my appearance during school because I, funnily enough, didn’t look like every other stereotypical girl. . . I go from dressing goth to the girl who enjoys wearing cute frocks to a wannabe high-end runaway model and sometimes to someone who just loves lounging in Crocs. They are just some of my favorite styles."
“I go from dressing goth to the girl who enjoys wearing cute frocks to a wannabe high-end runaway model and sometimes to someone who just loves lounging in Crocs.”
"I’m sure that my purple coat with the ying and yang hearts give my asexuality away easily but is that the correct way of dressing up to showcase what we should look like? For me, the answer is no. Asexuality can look like anything WE as asexuals want it to look! But some asexuals might disagree. My clothes and styles are a way for me to express how I feel and most of the time, I’m feeling great, beautiful, and proud of who I am. And that’s how asexuals should feel too – Proud!
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Sandro Martín de la Fuente
Sandro Martín de la Fuente is a drag king living in Puerto Rico, who identifies as nonbinary, trans masculine, panromantic, and aegosexual. For those who don't know, the term 'aegosexual' describes those who have a disconnection between themself and the subject of arousal and falls under the asexual umbrella, often as a micro-label. Aegosexuals may have sexual fantasies, view porn and other sexual content, or masturbate, but they generally feel little to no sexual attraction and typically do not desire to have sex with another person.
“I was scared. I was an Afro-Caribbean asexual who physically looked feminine amongst a sea of allosexuals.”
"My asexual journey began in 9th grade. I don't want to sound too cliché but I did feel like I was broken at the time. I was misunderstood (even by myself at first). My relationships would fall short for denying sexual experiences. I lost close friendships. But then, I found out about asexuality! After that, I have to admit I was scared. I was an Afro-Caribbean asexual who physically looked feminine amongst a sea of allosexuals (people who experience sexual attraction) who, due to our culture, are hypersexual. I was afraid to even specify where I was on the ace spectrum (graysexual at the time) cause I felt like people would try to take advantage of me. But, even though at first my confidence wavered, I still managed to get back up every time and be brave enough to continue finding my community and protecting and nourishing my identity."
“Once I found drag, I felt at home.”
"Once I found drag, I felt at home. I always took every opportunity I had to represent the Ace community. I went from a broken and alone Ace to being recognized as an important figure in the Puerto Rican asexual community and having an ongoing serious relationship with a supportive boyfriend for the past 2 years. My relationship with sex still fluctuates but I feel much more at ease knowing who I am and by being supported. If you're reading this and are feeling like I did 7 years ago, there are people out there patiently waiting to love you. Keep on living your asexy life, stay true to yourself, and most importantly be kind to yourself."
“There are people out there patiently waiting to love you.”
"Ever since I was young I recognized fashion and style as an identity and an expression of it. So, I have always been very fluid with it. I can give you masc, femme, goth, 80's, tropical and everything in between! Now, I've never really associated my style with my asexual identity. I just like to wear what I want and what best reflects my gender identity. In the context of drag, I have done Ace flag-inspired looks for performances where I speak on my experiences as an asexual trans man in Puerto Rico. But, still, in these circumstances, it's used more as a story element than as a recurring style."
My friends and coworkers give me a sense of Pride every single day. The way they freely exist in this Christian, misogynistic, and gentrified colony makes me feel so full. They are resilient, powerful, joyous, generous, and loving. I hope one day we can completely be free and can feel proud of all of our accomplishments as a community.
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Michelle
Last but certainly not least, we have Michelle, a 25-year-old and transit-loving climate activist local to the LA area, specifically Long Beach. Michelle has been volunteering since middle school and recently organized with the Sunrise Movement. She identifies as heteroromantic asexual, and as someone who is also biracial (White and Filipinx), "I find myself at the intersection of multiple majority and minority identities. It definitely makes me face the privileges I have even when I sometimes feel I’ve only got one foot in with these different communities."
"It occurred to me after college that despite having aesthetic attraction toward those I was potentially romantically attracted to, asexuality could still apply to me.”
Michelle came out as asexual on National Coming Out Day 2017, similarly to myself, after vaguely knowing about asexuality for a year and a half. "It occurred to me after college that despite having aesthetic attraction toward those I was potentially romantically attracted to, asexuality could still apply to me. Finding online ace communities (in addition to finding out more friends I already knew from multiple schools happened to be ace too) in the past couple of years helped me feel more comfortable with my identity as I started to face dating struggles related to being asexual."
"Even if it still feels awkward to talk about my asexuality out loud with people I know, I’m often sharing educational posts I see on social media and even occasionally make my own posts to contribute to ace visibility, like using the #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike hashtag too. Even for this past Halloween, I wore sunglasses, Ace color dual-tone lipstick, and a camouflage crop top in all ace colors and said I was dressed as the Invisible Sexuality!" I genuinely can't imagine a cooler costume!
“I’ve loved visual art since I was young, so even in stretches of time when I’m not drawing or painting as much, I still have the act of dressing up as a means of creative outlet.”
"I think my sense of style comes from an artistic love of colors and patterns. I’ve loved visual art since I was young, so even in stretches of time when I’m not drawing or painting as much, I still have the act of dressing up as a means of creative outlet. Since environmental impacts mean I don’t enjoy shopping much, I like styling new combinations of what I already have (and borrow vintage from family members). I like to get compliments on my fashion choices from friends and family and to leave a great impression on dates."
Michelle says that she feels a sense of Pride when she sees other ace creatives doing great work and being able to enjoy Pride Month herself. "I went to a Pride picnic-like park event recently in my Ace colors and got really excited to see multiple Ace flags among the many kinds of handheld size flags at one table and that I got to take one, my first Ace flag." On top of that, "I feel pride in having so many other Asexual friends IRL that have been able to come out and newer friends I mostly interact with online that had told me they’re also Asexual as a DM reply to a related post on my IG story."
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If you want the chance to be featured in the next edition of the series, be sure to use the #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike hashtag and I’m likely to spot you! You can read past editions of the series on Qwear Fashion!
